I am remembering this today because it has just been one of those days. I learned something a long time ago and now need the lesson that I found in a very difficult evening when Braxton was little. Here's the disclaimer though. I am not angry or bitter. I knew the words came without thought. I forgave this woman in my heart soon after these things happened. With that being said, I was sad at the time and hurt in a very big way. My family is everything to me and to hear negative comments about them just crushed me. I used that emotion to power my nurturing and teaching of my son. I learned more about myself and that little boy as I changed the way I thought about his strong personality.
Background on Braxton: He's extremely active. He likes to talk. He is a fun kid in almost every setting. The place where we have the worst time is at church. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE being there and know how important it is. It is just that sacrament meeting has always been our hardest hour of the whole week. Still and quiet is something Braxton is just barely able to do now and not for long periods of time. As a two year old toddler, forget about it. I brought several bags of quiet church appropriate activities and snacks to keep him satisfied. Still, it isn't his nature to just sit. I saw it happening in plenty of other rows and became quite frustrated with what I was or wasn't doing. I wondered every Sunday if we were getting anything at all. I knew the people in front of and behind us weren't. He wore two adults out.
Now for the actual experience. I was a tired mom. I worked at home and had him there with me. Weekends didn't give me a break from either work or parenting. I've come to know and accept that moms just don't get breaks. I know that I complained about his energy to too many other moms because one in particular started to treat him differently. One time I mentioned to her about how different boys and girls are. I was talking about their interests (ie: the head to toe princess costume vs. the dump truck full of mud). Basically I thought I was only commenting on the way they played. She said "I know" and started to list off all the wonderful things about her baby girl. I took that pretty hard because of what her statement implied. Her child was fantastic and mine was... well different.
It wouldn't have been a big deal if it was the only thing said about Braxton. A few weeks later following a program the young girls wanted to look at all of the leader's wedding rings. For some reason I mentioned that I had a fake one I wore when I was pregnant because of the swelling. This same leader agreed that she had done the same thing. She reassured the girls about the payoff to pregnancy (all the while hurting me) by saying, "Even Braxton was worth it." Even Braxton? The line stuck in my head the whole rest of the evening. Even Braxton? When I came into the door I grabbed him and headed straight for the rocking chair. We rocked for hours and he patted my back as I cried. He kept saying, "Don't be sad." Which as sweet as that moment was didn't help with the emotions. I cried even harder because I knew that I loved that little boy and he had been judged pretty harshly.
The very next day I took out a pen and paper to list out some things. I am a total list lady! I separated my paper with three columns. Here's a small example. The page was actually quite full.
How others may see him:
1. Stubborn
2. Rambunctious
Positively Stated Synonyms:
1. strong willed, persistant, dedicated, determined
2. energetic, enthusiastic, passionate
Potential Outcomes
1. gets what he wants out of life, chooses standards for himself, achieves
2. gives it all, won't burn out, full of life
Even though there are still hard days like today, I think that this taught me how to really appreciate Braxton. Kids like Braxton grow into the adults that strengthen those around them. I think sometimes the only reason we voice our complaints about how energetic a child can be is because with our age and busy lives we are drained entirely. Adult life can bog us down but I think personally I have to work to match Braxton's intensity and personality not change it. I am going to steal a line from a friend who has a daughter much like my son and say, "We just need to teach them to use their powers for good." These kids can be great leaders. I try to always see a child/teenager as their parents do (or should). I know that affects how I interact with them. It helps me to communicate my goals for them and the potential that I see. That information is more than motivating. I know I needed to hear it from my parents, leaders, and teachers. I know that even adults would benefit from hearing a positive comment about themselves from someone they care about. So this is my invitation. Share a compliment or piece of encouragement today and see what it does. Making this a habit might help heal your heart. It's easier to be happy when you look for something to be happy about. Write down the good in your life and start smiling today!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Really? Already? You're 4!
Not too long ago I found out what it was like to have your words used against you as a parent. My son is four! Here's the story as it happened.
Dad was taking both boys on a walk but Braxton was worried about how I'd feel being left behind. I didn't think he'd actually understand that I wanted some quiet time to clean the kitchen. As far as he is concerned "quiet time" is the worst part of his day. I hurried Braxton off to the corner of the sidewalk where Bryson was waiting atop Lee's shoulders. It took me saying, "Don't worry about me. I'll just be stuck here cleaning." He wanted no part in that so my plan worked. Quiet time finally came.
They were gone long enough for me to feel somewhat productive. Then they came back and I asked him to help pick up his toys before bed. He protested with the line, "I don't want to be stuck here cleaning." OH NO! I quickly backtracked and talked about all the joys of hard work. I made sure to throw in something about how good we feel inside when we use our hands for good. I know that I spent more time with that lecture than that one negative sentence. I thought we were all set. Basically I was expecting Braxton to jump up and take care of my requests more often. I also thought of how nice it would be when he showed some enthusiasm while working because it made him feel good inside. Nice work Rach. Now to get him in bed...
That part was the same as every other night. We took care of routines and started down the hall. There was one big problem... his room. We were technically still reorganizing it and so the whole thing was a little chaotic. We also had a busy day with plenty of errands. Most of his time here was spent playing so that I could get caught up. Now I have to be honest. Even though it would have been the right thing to do, I didn't want to tackle that project right then. I was too tired. My bed was calling my name. I just gave a hug and kiss before I headed out the door.
I left the room thinking that my bedtime wasn't far off. I sat on the couch talking with Lee when we both saw a little shadow turn the corner. Braxton came in to ask me to get out his train table. We purposefully have it under his bed because it saves a lot of space. I stated that it was 9:30 PM and his room was WAY too messy. I continued by saying that there just wasn't room to do that sort of activity tonight, maybe in the morning.
His words to me, "Mom working is good for us. We can do a lot with our hands and when we are done we will feel good inside. I think that we should clean right now."
My words to myself, "Oh brother."
That room did get clean and his trains did get played with. I am pretty sure we both felt good inside, at least we both were smiling. What a funny buddy!
Dad was taking both boys on a walk but Braxton was worried about how I'd feel being left behind. I didn't think he'd actually understand that I wanted some quiet time to clean the kitchen. As far as he is concerned "quiet time" is the worst part of his day. I hurried Braxton off to the corner of the sidewalk where Bryson was waiting atop Lee's shoulders. It took me saying, "Don't worry about me. I'll just be stuck here cleaning." He wanted no part in that so my plan worked. Quiet time finally came.
They were gone long enough for me to feel somewhat productive. Then they came back and I asked him to help pick up his toys before bed. He protested with the line, "I don't want to be stuck here cleaning." OH NO! I quickly backtracked and talked about all the joys of hard work. I made sure to throw in something about how good we feel inside when we use our hands for good. I know that I spent more time with that lecture than that one negative sentence. I thought we were all set. Basically I was expecting Braxton to jump up and take care of my requests more often. I also thought of how nice it would be when he showed some enthusiasm while working because it made him feel good inside. Nice work Rach. Now to get him in bed...
That part was the same as every other night. We took care of routines and started down the hall. There was one big problem... his room. We were technically still reorganizing it and so the whole thing was a little chaotic. We also had a busy day with plenty of errands. Most of his time here was spent playing so that I could get caught up. Now I have to be honest. Even though it would have been the right thing to do, I didn't want to tackle that project right then. I was too tired. My bed was calling my name. I just gave a hug and kiss before I headed out the door.
I left the room thinking that my bedtime wasn't far off. I sat on the couch talking with Lee when we both saw a little shadow turn the corner. Braxton came in to ask me to get out his train table. We purposefully have it under his bed because it saves a lot of space. I stated that it was 9:30 PM and his room was WAY too messy. I continued by saying that there just wasn't room to do that sort of activity tonight, maybe in the morning.
His words to me, "Mom working is good for us. We can do a lot with our hands and when we are done we will feel good inside. I think that we should clean right now."
My words to myself, "Oh brother."
That room did get clean and his trains did get played with. I am pretty sure we both felt good inside, at least we both were smiling. What a funny buddy!
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